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Safety First! Tips for Women’s Defense and Welfare (And What Frustrates Women Coaches)
The major concepts every woman should know to stay safe.
Karl R. De Mesa
2024-03-21T08:23:05.000Z
The year is 2024 but Filipino women still belong to a highly vulnerable sector.
The numbers say as much. Up to 7.42 thousand women and children tallied reportedly experienced a form of violence in 2022, and up to 17.5% of women (aged 15 to 49) said that they were subjected to it by a partner. Meanwhile, up to 41% of them were unable to seek help or even tell someone about it.
“Women are often targets because of factors like a culture of casual harassment, bullying, and often impunity with regards to their boundaries,” said Canadian ex-military turned security consultant Beverly Aisha Roach. “Also, in plenty of cultures, women’s bodies are still thought of as easy to violate, something cavalierly objectified.”
For the ordinary Filipina gal, it is important to know how to deal with forms of violence but it is a topic rarely discussed. Beyond the perfunctory, it’s almost taboo to talk about how to identify, avoid, and prepare to engage with potential dangers whether at home, at school, or among friends. Nevertheless, there are a few who are talking—women instructors training women on the matter of self-defense. And based on their experiences, there are major concepts and tips they’ve found the hardest to teach when coaching realism in violence.
Prevention
Any self-defense teacher worth their salt will tell you that, in an ideal world, we should be able live in a society where a woman doesn’t need to be afraid to walk down a street thinking she’ll get attacked. But, ignoring the reality of the Philippines as a country which placed 115 in the 2023 Global Peace Index can have very serious consequences. Such is the world we live in.
Avoiding danger is always much better than fighting. Hence, prevention plays a big role in the actual “defense.” This act is called many things and is broken down in different ways depending on the martial system, but it’s primarily concerned with threat recognition, situational awareness, body language, and distance management.
These days, simply looking up from your phone is a great way to tick the first two boxes. Have your attention on the street and not on a screen. Just being aware of the people around you and how far they are will save you grief. This also deters potential criminals who are likely looking for signs of victims, of easy prey: distracted, vulnerable, and appears unwilling to fight back.
Walk at a normal pace and keep your head up, indicating that you are conscious of what’s going on. There’s still a very intrinsic, built-in primal survival instinct in our DNA despite centuries of polite civilization. If you get a feeling in your bones that a person or situation doesn’t seem right, trust your intuition. Walk away before that stranger who just wants to ask you the time or the TikToker who has an amazing video to show you can even get within grabbing distance.
No need to be polite. You don’t even know them! But this is easier said than done as Philippine society makes enforcing boundaries difficult, all but instilling meekness and politeness in women from a young age.
“The most frustrating aspect when teaching self-defense to beginner women often revolves around the very prevalent challenge of addressing low self-esteem,” said Precious Ocaya-Delarmino, a SEA Games gold medalist and instructor with the Muay Thai Association of the Philippines.
“Witnessing a majority of women who struggle to believe in themselves can be disheartening,” continued Ocaya-Delarmino. “Instilling confidence is not just about physical techniques but also about empowering them mentally and emotionally.”
De/Escalation
But if they do follow you, what then? Then the other steps must kick in and next on the list is de-escalation. Or escalation.
As much as there’s a lot to be said about knowing fighting techniques, learning how to be assertive is a much bigger asset. This means putting up boundaries and talking your way out of potential danger.
"I want you to stay there and not get any closer!” or “You don't even know me, why are you touching me?" are good lines that are clear and easy to remember. They also commonly deter men from following a woman farther, especially in public.
“I like the analogy of boundary setting being an internal compass with two points on it: Yes and No. If it’s yes, then it’s easy. Maybe I do want to engage with this person,” said Roach. “If it’s on NO then prepare yourself for the response of a NO. They might have an aggressive response to your boundary setting. They may deny it; they may call you crazy. But—and this is the important part—they won’t be touching your leg anymore.”
The concept to remember with escalation or de-escalation is that the key to safety isn’t “winning,” but survival. Worried that your feelings will be hurt? Pride or shame do not figure in the outcome of being alive to tell the tale.
If you are talking it means you are avoiding engagement. In everyday life there’s very few benefits to fighting with strangers. <
Statistically though, a woman is way less likely to be attacked by a stranger walking in the shady part of town than by someone already familiar to her. Confidently enforcing boundaries at the earliest onset, like making a scene or pushing them away when you start to feel discomfort, is a high percentage deterrent to a violator—whether it’s a relative, friend, or co-worker.
Since it's hard to overcome years of social learning, it’s important to learn exactly what you want to say and rehearse it. Visualize the scenario and say it out loud. Say it to the next wannabe pickup artist or creepy uncle that puts their arm over you. Practice, practice, practice, just like an athlete might rehearse a game-winning shot.
Flight (and Fitness)
What to do if they still haven’t been deterred? If they’re still following you despite your calls to stop, despite making a scene? Run! Just GTFO. Flee as fast as you can.
Running has many advantages since it works for all body types, is easily remembered under stress, and requires very minimal practice. So, be absolutely ruthless and run like your life depends on it. One day, it really might.
Here’s the caveat: you must be fit enough to run at a constant speed for at least one or two minutes. Often, a guy’s bigger muscle mass can be turned against him by a much more developed swiftness and cardio. Being a woman who typically weighs less and can be lighter on your feet will then be a distinct advantage.
To possess the fitness to flee and the twitch reaction to suddenly turn and leave attackers in the dust doesn’t have the kind of barrier to entry studying a martial art does. But, it still requires practice and maintenance. Exercise at a gym is pretty darn useful for fleeing; making sure you have enough gas in your lungs to sustain a fast pace. A bonus since you’ll also have the strength to push away too.
There’s no magic here, no fancy moves. Just enough conditioning to make a run for it.
“[A] frustrating thing is when [women expect] self-defense like it’s in movies with ninjas,” said Estie Gay Liwanen, Philippine Army veteran and SEA Games medalist in judo and kurash. “For as long as I’ve been teaching (and even at criminology schools,) some think that self-defense is like ‘ninja moves!’ They don’t want to exercise pero ang gustong [but their desired] result is wallop!”
“One time, there's this one girl who asked me to teach her how to be like Lara Croft, who can kill many men with just one punch,” continued Liwanen. “I was like: this girl must get back to Earth, because she is in another dimension!”
Fight
Can’t say it enough, the only win scenario in safety is the ability to put distance between you and the threat; not skipping the first three steps and beating them down, action-movie style.
Did they grab your bag before you can run? It’s a hassle, but not having debilitating injuries like a knife wound is the desired outcome that spells a win. Let the bag go. Just give them your phone.
If there are no other options though, then it’s time to fight.
Quick reality check. You likely don’t know how to fight. Seeing red doesn’t count. The best way to learn how to fight is enroll in a fighting academy. Ask them if you can sit in and watch before you plunk down money or if there’s a free trial. Perhaps there’s a class dedicated especially for the street or for women?
A place that has a live sparring component is very much recommended. Whether it’s a combat sport like Muay Thai, MMA, wrestling, or a real world system that includes weapons like Krav Maga, combat sambo, or kali, you will be able to feel the stress and adrenaline simulated in the safest environment possible. Hand to hand combat, after all, is war writ small and personal.
It will be extremely difficult. It will likely be the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Learning to fight can be especially daunting for women, but the exploration of this oft neglected part of our psyche and being able to access it at will through training can clarify many things. Especially true is the development of a frame of mind that enables you to turn off social conditioning, the one where mercy is a virtue.
Here’s three important concepts you’ll learn as you train: the best technique is the one you can remember under stress; if you do violence, unleash it sans moderation, preferably with the advantage of surprise, and, if a person cannot breathe or stand, then they cannot fight. To do anything less than disable these functions is risking your life, but to do more invites depravity.
Stick with the training for at least a year and trust the process. That’s enough time to learn to cope with the stress of fighting. By then, you’ll have a distinct advantage to most women. As a side effect, you will also get pretty fit, at least enough to do the techniques.
“One of the most frustrating things to teach is getting people to understand what exactly is self-defense, in its entire scope,” explained Yonina Chan, instructor with Krav Maga Global. “And understanding that self-defense is both a mindset and a skill set that you need to practice and hone, and that it is perishable over time.”
Unlike the movies, real world fighting is short, unforgiving, and unpredictable. People don’t often fall with a single punch, it’s hard to target the testicles, and you can’t take on multiple attackers despite what woo woo bullshido masters claim.
“I always remind them that they won’t be Bruce Lee at the end of the seminar,” said Roach, who teaches a women’s self-defense course combo based on Street-Smart Self-Defense and Gracie Jiu-Jitsu’s Women Empowered. “It’s important to ensure [women] understand that a seminar or training is intended to show them they can do it.”
The numbers say as much. Up to 7.42 thousand women and children tallied reportedly experienced a form of violence in 2022, and up to 17.5% of women (aged 15 to 49) said that they were subjected to it by a partner. Meanwhile, up to 41% of them were unable to seek help or even tell someone about it.
“Women are often targets because of factors like a culture of casual harassment, bullying, and often impunity with regards to their boundaries,” said Canadian ex-military turned security consultant Beverly Aisha Roach. “Also, in plenty of cultures, women’s bodies are still thought of as easy to violate, something cavalierly objectified.”
For the ordinary Filipina gal, it is important to know how to deal with forms of violence but it is a topic rarely discussed. Beyond the perfunctory, it’s almost taboo to talk about how to identify, avoid, and prepare to engage with potential dangers whether at home, at school, or among friends. Nevertheless, there are a few who are talking—women instructors training women on the matter of self-defense. And based on their experiences, there are major concepts and tips they’ve found the hardest to teach when coaching realism in violence.
There are basic principles of self-defense that women need to understand in this world that continues to be widely unsafe. IMAGE BY KARL R. DE MESA
Prevention
Any self-defense teacher worth their salt will tell you that, in an ideal world, we should be able live in a society where a woman doesn’t need to be afraid to walk down a street thinking she’ll get attacked. But, ignoring the reality of the Philippines as a country which placed 115 in the 2023 Global Peace Index can have very serious consequences. Such is the world we live in.
Avoiding danger is always much better than fighting. Hence, prevention plays a big role in the actual “defense.” This act is called many things and is broken down in different ways depending on the martial system, but it’s primarily concerned with threat recognition, situational awareness, body language, and distance management.
These days, simply looking up from your phone is a great way to tick the first two boxes. Have your attention on the street and not on a screen. Just being aware of the people around you and how far they are will save you grief. This also deters potential criminals who are likely looking for signs of victims, of easy prey: distracted, vulnerable, and appears unwilling to fight back.
Walk at a normal pace and keep your head up, indicating that you are conscious of what’s going on. There’s still a very intrinsic, built-in primal survival instinct in our DNA despite centuries of polite civilization. If you get a feeling in your bones that a person or situation doesn’t seem right, trust your intuition. Walk away before that stranger who just wants to ask you the time or the TikToker who has an amazing video to show you can even get within grabbing distance.
No need to be polite. You don’t even know them! But this is easier said than done as Philippine society makes enforcing boundaries difficult, all but instilling meekness and politeness in women from a young age.
“The most frustrating aspect when teaching self-defense to beginner women often revolves around the very prevalent challenge of addressing low self-esteem,” said Precious Ocaya-Delarmino, a SEA Games gold medalist and instructor with the Muay Thai Association of the Philippines.
“Witnessing a majority of women who struggle to believe in themselves can be disheartening,” continued Ocaya-Delarmino. “Instilling confidence is not just about physical techniques but also about empowering them mentally and emotionally.”
De/Escalation
But if they do follow you, what then? Then the other steps must kick in and next on the list is de-escalation. Or escalation.
As much as there’s a lot to be said about knowing fighting techniques, learning how to be assertive is a much bigger asset. This means putting up boundaries and talking your way out of potential danger.
"I want you to stay there and not get any closer!” or “You don't even know me, why are you touching me?" are good lines that are clear and easy to remember. They also commonly deter men from following a woman farther, especially in public.
“I like the analogy of boundary setting being an internal compass with two points on it: Yes and No. If it’s yes, then it’s easy. Maybe I do want to engage with this person,” said Roach. “If it’s on NO then prepare yourself for the response of a NO. They might have an aggressive response to your boundary setting. They may deny it; they may call you crazy. But—and this is the important part—they won’t be touching your leg anymore.”
The concept to remember with escalation or de-escalation is that the key to safety isn’t “winning,” but survival. Worried that your feelings will be hurt? Pride or shame do not figure in the outcome of being alive to tell the tale.
If you are talking it means you are avoiding engagement. In everyday life there’s very few benefits to fighting with strangers. <
Statistically though, a woman is way less likely to be attacked by a stranger walking in the shady part of town than by someone already familiar to her. Confidently enforcing boundaries at the earliest onset, like making a scene or pushing them away when you start to feel discomfort, is a high percentage deterrent to a violator—whether it’s a relative, friend, or co-worker.
Since it's hard to overcome years of social learning, it’s important to learn exactly what you want to say and rehearse it. Visualize the scenario and say it out loud. Say it to the next wannabe pickup artist or creepy uncle that puts their arm over you. Practice, practice, practice, just like an athlete might rehearse a game-winning shot.
Flight (and Fitness)
What to do if they still haven’t been deterred? If they’re still following you despite your calls to stop, despite making a scene? Run! Just GTFO. Flee as fast as you can.
Running has many advantages since it works for all body types, is easily remembered under stress, and requires very minimal practice. So, be absolutely ruthless and run like your life depends on it. One day, it really might.
Here’s the caveat: you must be fit enough to run at a constant speed for at least one or two minutes. Often, a guy’s bigger muscle mass can be turned against him by a much more developed swiftness and cardio. Being a woman who typically weighs less and can be lighter on your feet will then be a distinct advantage.
To possess the fitness to flee and the twitch reaction to suddenly turn and leave attackers in the dust doesn’t have the kind of barrier to entry studying a martial art does. But, it still requires practice and maintenance. Exercise at a gym is pretty darn useful for fleeing; making sure you have enough gas in your lungs to sustain a fast pace. A bonus since you’ll also have the strength to push away too.
There’s no magic here, no fancy moves. Just enough conditioning to make a run for it.
“[A] frustrating thing is when [women expect] self-defense like it’s in movies with ninjas,” said Estie Gay Liwanen, Philippine Army veteran and SEA Games medalist in judo and kurash. “For as long as I’ve been teaching (and even at criminology schools,) some think that self-defense is like ‘ninja moves!’ They don’t want to exercise pero ang gustong [but their desired] result is wallop!”
“One time, there's this one girl who asked me to teach her how to be like Lara Croft, who can kill many men with just one punch,” continued Liwanen. “I was like: this girl must get back to Earth, because she is in another dimension!”
Fight
Can’t say it enough, the only win scenario in safety is the ability to put distance between you and the threat; not skipping the first three steps and beating them down, action-movie style.
Did they grab your bag before you can run? It’s a hassle, but not having debilitating injuries like a knife wound is the desired outcome that spells a win. Let the bag go. Just give them your phone.
If there are no other options though, then it’s time to fight.
Quick reality check. You likely don’t know how to fight. Seeing red doesn’t count. The best way to learn how to fight is enroll in a fighting academy. Ask them if you can sit in and watch before you plunk down money or if there’s a free trial. Perhaps there’s a class dedicated especially for the street or for women?
A place that has a live sparring component is very much recommended. Whether it’s a combat sport like Muay Thai, MMA, wrestling, or a real world system that includes weapons like Krav Maga, combat sambo, or kali, you will be able to feel the stress and adrenaline simulated in the safest environment possible. Hand to hand combat, after all, is war writ small and personal.
It will be extremely difficult. It will likely be the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Learning to fight can be especially daunting for women, but the exploration of this oft neglected part of our psyche and being able to access it at will through training can clarify many things. Especially true is the development of a frame of mind that enables you to turn off social conditioning, the one where mercy is a virtue.
Here’s three important concepts you’ll learn as you train: the best technique is the one you can remember under stress; if you do violence, unleash it sans moderation, preferably with the advantage of surprise, and, if a person cannot breathe or stand, then they cannot fight. To do anything less than disable these functions is risking your life, but to do more invites depravity.
Stick with the training for at least a year and trust the process. That’s enough time to learn to cope with the stress of fighting. By then, you’ll have a distinct advantage to most women. As a side effect, you will also get pretty fit, at least enough to do the techniques.
“One of the most frustrating things to teach is getting people to understand what exactly is self-defense, in its entire scope,” explained Yonina Chan, instructor with Krav Maga Global. “And understanding that self-defense is both a mindset and a skill set that you need to practice and hone, and that it is perishable over time.”
Unlike the movies, real world fighting is short, unforgiving, and unpredictable. People don’t often fall with a single punch, it’s hard to target the testicles, and you can’t take on multiple attackers despite what woo woo bullshido masters claim.
“I always remind them that they won’t be Bruce Lee at the end of the seminar,” said Roach, who teaches a women’s self-defense course combo based on Street-Smart Self-Defense and Gracie Jiu-Jitsu’s Women Empowered. “It’s important to ensure [women] understand that a seminar or training is intended to show them they can do it.”
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