Thank You, Ma. You Did Everything But I Realized You Needed Help

dev-test

Corin B. Arenas

2024-05-11T07:40:56.000Z

Growing up as an only daughter, I always looked up to my Mom because she was able to do everything. I wanted to be strong and independent, just like her. In the early ‘80s, my parents founded a construction company. Mom and Dad were partners and they did almost everything together. They seemed like a great team. But looking back, I couldn’t help but feel that Mom was always more exhausted than Dad. Sure, they were both tired and cranky when they got home. But Mom always had stuff to do after a full day’s work, plus chores on weekends. Even with help from our kasambahay, she did the cooking and cleaning when she had time. And like most moms, she taught me to do household chores. She even tried to teach my brother how to do the dishes and sweep the floor. But for some reason, the guys in our family were just not the cleaning type. Not really. Not until the women told them to do so. That said, I never really saw my Dad clean anything in the house. Ever. Not even the dishes. Okay, so maybe he did? But I really don’t remember!

What was it like being a career woman with a family in the ‘80s? My mom would tell me stories like being 6 months pregnant and still going to job sites for routine inspections with my dad. That's probably why I was born in Valenzuela, Manila. You see, my family is from Quezon City. So, it was a mystery why I was born in a place I don’t even remember going to, not once in my life. We didn’t even have relatives in Valenzuela. As it turned out, they had a construction project there, right around the time I was born. My mom probably had to commute or drive to all sorts of places because my dad didn’t drive (he had a traumatic car accident that left him with amaxophobia, but that’s another story) so my mom was the designated driver. You could just imagine how hard it was to get around. Mom kept on working even up to her final term. So, I was born a bit premature on a Tuesday morning. She said I was a sickly kid, but I got healthier as I grew older.

For as long as I remember, my mom has always been selfless. Perhaps it had to do with the kind of upbringing she endured: she was the youngest girl out of 9 children during the post-World War II decade in Bataan. They were taught to look after each other, do most of the adult chores, grow up fast, and take up responsibilities at such a young age. It didn't help that my grandfather was a Spanish mestizo who did not work a single day in his life (I gather he lived off questionable generational wealth.) He liked to play tennis, gamble, and teach his kids how to play cards. Rumor has it that, on the day of his funeral, a few women came forward claiming he fathered their kids. I never met him, but he was quite a character. Meanwhile, my grandmother, also a traditional Spanish mestiza, seemed like a patient, tolerant, and saintly housewife. "Martir," as they'd say. Perhaps my mom took after my grandmother's brand of selflessness, for better or for worse. So back to my mom: She'd talk about walking to school daily, without adult supervision, as early as 1st grade. After she graduated from high school, she stayed with her older sister's family in Metro Manila to finish college. While at her sister's house, she helped with chores and looked after their 4 children. When mom started working, she helped support her youngest brother. And even until she had a family of her own, my mom would still go on to help send a few of my cousins to school. Likewise, her other siblings would also cover finances for anyone in the family who might need help--that’s how our family took care of each other.

Again, I looked up to mom because she seemed to do everything. I don’t know how she managed to take care of my brother and I while juggling a hectic career in the construction business while keeping the house together. She even attended PTA meetings and helped us with homework and last minute school projects. She carried all that mental load of cleaning and taking care of kids while providing for the family. Even with dad around, it felt as if most of the child-rearing, homemaking, and organizing duties were always on mom. But a part of me sure wished he did more. Not that dad didn’t help, I’m sure he did. I just didn't see it. Now that I think about it, why didn't mom demand more household help from dad? My 2 cents is that women in our family just played their roles and did their chores. I don’t remember my mom ever pressuring my dad for household help. She’d rather hire cleaners to do that for her. Even if my mom or titas never articulated it, it certainly feels like there is a stigma or shame around asking for help to get things done. Especially if that's always been expected of them. While I’m amazed at everything my mom did to raise us kids, I have to admit there was something missing. When it came to actually making time to talk to us kids and just be present, growing up, I felt like she was always somewhere far away. In hindsight, she probably just needed a lot of rest. Now that I think about it, people can’t really be that present if they’re spread too thinly. I know now that she really tried, and I’m grateful for all of the time she did.

I recently saw this video of comedian Michelle Wolf and it made me laugh and cry tears of frustration for my fellow women. She specifically talks about issues in American society, but I feel women in the Philippines can relate to it as well. In the video, Wolf pointed out that when people say “women can have it all,” society merely allows women to take on careers without truly acknowledging that they need proper support to be successful. Worse, women get judged harshly either way. If you don’t understand the nuances behind why this idea gets problematic, you should see it. Here’s a shortened excerpt from the video: “It’s like, oh congratulations you’re having a baby! Great! Couple things: We’re gonna need you to take that car accident of a body back to work as soon as possible[…] Also, you should breastfeed, it’s what’s best for the baby. But don’t do it in public you pig! […] And don’t ask to take time out of work when your kids are sick. We’ll think you’re not dedicated. Also why are you such a bad mom? […]” There’s more, but I urge you to just watch it.

Proclaiming that “Women can now have it all” erases the very nuances of why women struggle in the first place. It’s a trap: they give you permission to do everything, but only if you do it their way. As if the very idea that women can do it all is only beneficial if they can be controlled. Hearing more criticism than encouragement makes us feel we are never good enough. And on top of that, so many expectations make us feel like we shouldn’t be asking for help. This leaves so many women overworked, with partners or husbands that seem to only help them at their breaking point. PSA: Men should be sharing the same responsibility and mental load of building and maintaining a home.

I personally feel that certain feminine qualities are rewarded when it serves the status quo. Qualities like being silent and remaining silent, being obedient, and to a certain extent, showing devotion and blind loyalty, seem appealing to the patriarchy because it keeps them in power. On the other hand, women are frowned upon for demonstrating feminine power when they communicate and speak the truth, exhibit wisdom, show compassion, and express themselves. That’s why Jane Goodall said “it actually doesn't take much to be considered a difficult woman. That's why there are so many of us." On the flip side, I still don’t believe women’s lives are easier when they keep silent or become complicit to the patriarchy. So much suffering happens in silence that it takes time and energy to gather the courage to speak up and set boundaries. It’s not that silent women are not suffering. We just don’t hear them at all.

My mom did do it all, out of love, and mostly in ways that was expected of her. Like most of us, she was conditioned by society and previous generations before her to do just that. In her case, I feel she got so used to serving that she always put herself last. I hope to break this cycle. Self-sacrifice should be left to saints and martyrs. Women shouldn't be made to feel bad for taking care of themselves. Because the reality is, we should take care of ourselves first so we can better take care of others.

Dear Ma, Thank you for everything you've done. Despite all the expectations imposed on you, you still managed to power through. I only wish the world was kinder and more supportive of women when you were growing up; when you were building your career; when you were raising us kids; and when you were doing your best to be a good mother. I realize now that you needed a lot of help. I apologize for all the times we made it extra hard for you. Or whenever we were not there for you at all. Even if you didn't ask for help, as your family, we should have been there to give you more support. I love you, ma. Maraming salamat. I hope that as women, we may unlearn unhealthy expectations that we put upon each other and ourselves (yes, we have to stop pressuring ourselves too). When we can take better care of ourselves, we can truly be there for the ones we love, without making ourselves small.

Thank You, Ma. You Did Everything But I Realized You Needed Help

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